April 2003 Archives

I've recently started reading The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, by Sogyal Rinpoche. Strange that it has taken me so long to get to reading this? When I attended the workshop this past summer (on art and creativity) we departed with a several pages of recommended books to read, this was on the list that the Bert and Bernadette provided (they lead the energy work part of the workshop).

Having only read 30+ pages I am by no means an authority on the book, but I strongly recommend that you read it. Sogyal Rinpoche breathes life into death and insight into our modern fears and inability or seeming lack of interest towards understanding or seriously thinking about death. Often, in recent years, I've been challenged by my own piece-meal understanding of death, and this book has startled me again into recognizing that I've slipped into a fairly mundane habit cycle and I can easily embrace life and death and begin living a more full and balanced life by seeking a deeper understanding of the impermanence of life and the stability of change. Change endures, despite our protestations. Silly me, silly us, to think we are individually that important.

At the workshop in Italy this past summer, I managed to live by these principals to some degree (unbeknownst to me). Or rather, I at least worried less about the mundane matters that tend to consume our lives back in the States (or any other part of the "civilized word").

There, I watched these 2 etching ink bags for hours, days, and weeks in our humble, productive, etching studio. At the time I thought I was learning to paint them, when in reality I was just learning to have attention on something, as completely and wholly as I was able. Albeit, I look back and I was quite an amatuer at it and probably will be as long as my practice doesn't match my time spent on other things. The funniest part of learning to pay attention to something, was that I completely failed to understand those objects. I stared intently at them, (and as Rose pointed out in my critique) I failed to pay attention to everything else. Hence, I didn't really even understand until this moment, that if you don't try and pay attention to the whole or at least give attention to the interdependance of the bags on me, and the environment and vice versa, then you'll never understand the bags.

My hope is stronger now. For one thing this book, and the workshop teaches me, change is constant. And as Gandhi once said, "You must become the change you seek in the world." Of course it can't happen today, but I can start today with me, one day at a time. One moment at a time.

I have become desperately tired of not being creative or productive enough this year (beyond the typing). While, I have indeed grown in knowledge, in other less timeless endeavors as painting or printmaking or drawing (in my case computer geekdom), I still feel an emptiness. Fortunately, this evening, after turning to the book, I was reminded that these feelings of emptiness are related to feelings of impermanence in this life. And henc, feelings I must seek to understand if I am to fully enjoy life.

If everything is impermanence, then everything is what we call "empty," which means lacking any lasting, stable, and inherent existence: and all things, when seen and understood in their true relation, are not independent but interdependent with all other things. The Buddha compared the universe to a vast net woven of a countless variety of brilliant jewels, each with a countless number of facets. Each jewel reflects in itself every other jewel in the net and is, in fact, one with every jewel.
-Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying p. 37

Of course this is me reading a book, and only in the beginnings at that, the ...becoming the change you seek... part is the challenge. The challenge for me has been to not idealize the workshop, and practice what I have begun to learn. Only in the practice will I begin to understand. I think this is part of that practice, but my hands are idle when it comes to painting or drawing, or assembling, or whatever it takes to express in physical form snippets of what I understand to be bit and pieces of my moments of life before death.

My dear friends Tracie, Justin, and Elizabeth (and about 15 others) are gearing up for the second workshop this summer, or rather they're gearing up to continue the hard work they've done all year, and become the change they seek.

I wish I could join them, I have the heart, I just forgot to do the planning and work, and set aside the savings required to get there. Albeit I won't idealize it, and I'll try and have my own personal workshop here, for the next...uh... I don't know, say 80 years maybe. But I'll start small, with the next 3 months. We'll see and i'll keep you up to date. I hope you'll do the same for me. Good night, or rather good morning, and I've lost an hour thanks to daylight savings.

Well, I had to take a sick day today. I feel kinda strange doing it, it's not like some have the benefit of having a sick day, but I'll get past that for now and let the guilt settle. I have to take today to rest. It seems I've forgotten how important rest is in a balanced healthy life and it has given me a hell of a feverish and weak feeling today.

If I were in the military or a civilian under attack, I'd have to push on and possibly be killed because my weakness might set me one step behind the others. Well, I feel one step behind the others today. And looking over my shoulder, I decided to sit down anyways.

Perhaps it's a good thing, cause I'm gonna force myself to stay away from this for a day. Stay away from the computer. My head hurts and the screen doesn't help. Perhaps I'll rest and be fairly sedate all day, but as sick days often do to a person, you find yourself at home, and finding a million things that you should do at home. There is always these little things that you can find to do, and I'm often distracted by them.

Oh, well I've got to go rest now.

Hello visitors, for anyone that does not know. I'm Wayne's stepmother and friend, and have been for the last 20 years.

Let me introduce you to my grandchildren. I have 3 and they are all boys, these 3 brothers are a joy, very amusing and a bother at times. Caleb is the oldest he is 4, Brandon is next at 3 and Justin is the baby, he is 1. They are all blonde headed and blue eyed bundles of energy and full of questions.

They come to our house from time to time to play with KneeKnee and PawPaw (all grandparents have to have names and those are ours). The boys come in the front door talking and do not stop! That is ok! They have lots of stuff to talk about. They have to tell us about what they have been doing and about things they want to do. They have to ask what things are, even if it is something they have seen a million times. Kids seem to think it is funny to ask "what's that" and point at something like the kitchen table or a shoe on the floor. Now that I am KneeKnee and not Mom it is ok, I will tell them the kitchen table is a pony or the shoe is a hat. They correct me and seem to delight in doing so.

Caleb, being the oldest, is the ringleader. He is in control and the other 2 following, like he really knows best. Caleb decides if they are going to empty the toy box onto the floor or go outback or maybe play with the magnets on the fridge. Usually it is going outside! These boys love to be outside. Once outside they have to point out that every flowerpot, deck chair, and anything else they can think of are still where it was last time they saw it. It is amazing how much they notice that we, grownups, never give a thought.

I learned as a mom the easiest way to answer those question like "why is the grass green?" or " why do birds fly?" was "God wanted it that way" It seemed to satisfy the father of these grandkids so I still use that answer. There are things I do different with these boys then I did as a mom. I get out in the yard and blow bubbles, I watch bugs crawl along the ground and throw leaves up in the air just to watch them fall back down, or set on the swing and read the same book 5 times or even pick out what we see in the clouds. You know when I do that rather then clean the bathroom or mop a floor the sun still comes up the next morning! This is not to say I let these boys do everything they want. I do have rules! They have learned I have things in my house and yard you can play with and I have things that are just for looking at. They tell me how pretty my flowers in my flowerbeds are but they do not play in the flowerbeds. Nor do I let them play with the water hose or get in their pool when it is 40 degrees no matter how warm they tell me it is!

I think these boys are part fish! They love the water. If it is to cold for the hose or the pool Caleb tells me how dirty he is. It is funny to have a 4 year old come tell you " I am so dirty". If he can not get in the water outside the bathtub is the next best thing in his mind.

Brandon is quieter then Caleb. He talks as much but not as loud or as well. I have a little trouble knowing what Brandon is telling me sometimes. If I do not understand what he said and ask, " do you want a drink?" because I may have thought that is what he said he says, "OK". I never know if I guessed right as to what he said or if he is answering my question. Brandon is very busy! He is always moving. Where Caleb will set on the swing and look at clouds Brandon is on the go! He will be in the swing then off and trying to climb a tree or running, not running anywhere just running to run. Brandon also (for reasons no one knows) loves eggs. Not to eat but, to play with! He had some little plastic eggs for Easter and now wants eggs! If he cannot find a plastic one to play with he will try to get the eggs out of the refrigerator and play with them.

Brandon is more likely to talk to or want to play with men. When he comes over the first thing he says when he comes in the door is "where's PawPaw?" He will go to and talk to or want to play with his dad or PawPaw more then his mother or me. Brandon is more ruff and tumble then Caleb is. They have wooden block they play with, Caleb builds things and then plays with the stuff he build (like build a garage and drive his little cars in and out of the garage) Brandon build things like a garage and then drives his cars into the side of it to knock it down and do it all over again. Caleb will blow bubbles in the back yard and watch them float away Brandon wants me to blow the bubbles while he chases them and pops them. Nether one is right or wrong they are just different.

Now the youngest Justin, We call him Fred. That is the name his PawPaw gave him 3 moths before he was born, a sonogram showed it was a boy and a name had not been decided on so "Fred" as been what we call him. He just turned one this month so he does not get to play in the yard much nor dose he talk to us. He does loves the water! He is just beginning to walk so he has to learn what is for playing with and what is just for looking at still.

It is hard for me to think these boys will someday be running this world. I only hope I did a good enough job raising their daddy that he and their mother will raise them to be caring, thoughtful adults. I also hope we leave them with a world worth running.